Nobody Gets to Drive This But Me

I don’t like house chores at all. But my wife and I recently bought a new vacuum and I’ve since changed my attitude about the carpet cleaning duties.

Let me break down the model we bought. First of all, it’s not your typical vacuum. This piece of high-powered machinery has D2. What’s D2? D2 is Dual Cyclonic Technology. I still don’t really know what that means, except that it gives my new vacuum serious power.

This thing’s got like a 300-amp motor. When it starts up, it sounds like a jet engine. This vacuum’s also got things like a Power Brush, Anti-Microbial Technology and something on the back of the machine toward the bottom that says Power. That’s what I’m talking about. Power! Oh, that’s the “power” switch.

This vacuum is tough. It’s got a Scuff Guard on the front of the machine for ramming, it’s got wheels that you could take through any off-road course, and it’s also got extension hoses that could probably withstand several buckshots.

My new vacuum has a shiny metallic red coat of paint that would put any restored classic car to shame. I’ve already put a coat of wax on the machine, and it’s so shiny and reflective that I could use it as a mirror when I shave.

My old vacuum would miss small fuzzes, pieces of thread and dirt that got ground into the carpet, which is the main reason we replaced the thing -- may it rest in pieces. I’d go over the same mess numerous times with the old vacuum, and still it wouldn’t pick the stuff up.

Now, let me break down my new vacuum’s performance. I have to strap myself into this vacuum before operating the thing. Yeah, it’s got that much power. Once I’m strapped in, I still have to hang on.

I could pour honey molasses on my carpet, and this vacuum would pick it up.I’ve accidentally sucked up a few of my son’s Tonka toys and even grabbed pieces of furniture the way the Death Star’s tractor beam grabbed the Millennium Falcon space ship in the movie “Star Wars.” I’m sometimes surprised that my new vacuum doesn’t pull the carpet up into the vacuum waste container.

Yes, I actually enjoy vacuuming these days. I invite friends over to the house to show the thing off like it was a new motorcycle. Most of them are envious of my new machine and want to take it for a spin, but a man never allows another person drive his vehicles -- vacuums included.

There are the few friends who want to challenge me with their pieces of vacuuming equipment. Of course, they’re all talk. Not one of them has shown up for a challenge. Two of them converted to the type of machine I just purchased.

My wife is more than happy that I’ve claimed the vacuuming duties in the house. Ever since, she’s been on the computer surfing the Web obsessively. After a while, I got a little curious as to what she was doing. I could’ve just asked what she was trying to find, but instead I decided to play Sherlock Holmes and do a little snooping around.

I went online and checked the Web search history. I found several Google searches for things like “high-powered glass cleaner,” “high-powered iron,” “high-powered Swiffer,” “high-powered paint brush” and . . . you get the idea. And I get the idea, too. Maybe this new high-powered vacuum wasn’t such a hot idea.

-January 2008