READERS THANKED
A newspaper column is nothing without its readership, and so I decided earlier this month to thank my readers for taking the time out of their busy days to read my work. “Thank you, everyone,” I said while in the presence of fans. “A newspaper column is nothing without its readership. I appreciate you taking the time out of your busy days to read my work.” Indeed, this columnist is honored to receive such kindness. And so now, in print, I’d like to give thanks to each and every single one of my readers. Henry, Joe, Isabel and Charlie at the barbershop, thanks again for reading. Like I said the other day, I appreciate you taking the time out of your busy days to read my work.
MOTORIZED TOOTHBRUSH TERRORIZES HOUSE
A motorized toothbrush has been tossed in the trash after going on an unstoppable tirade inside my 6-year-old son’s bathroom. At about 7 p.m. on Tuesday, the SpongeBob SquarePants toothbrush, 2 months old, was turned on for the nightly cleaning of my son’s teeth. That’s when it started and didn’t stop until I pulled out the batteries that powered the device. “What the heck is wrong with this piece of junk?” I said when I learned that pressing the off switch on the toothbrush wouldn’t shut it down. “Dang it, turn off, you piece of junk. Turn off. Turn off!” The whole incident in the bathroom was captured on video as my wife filmed the outburst for about four minutes on her phone. In the video, the toothbrush can be seen just going and going and going and not shutting off even when I tried smashing it against the bathroom counter. The toothbrush is currently being held in the trashcan near the side of my house. It faces total destruction on Monday when the trash man comes to empty our bins.
PROPOSED MAN CAVE SHOT DOWN
The wife of a close friend shot down plans for a man cave last night on grounds that my friend and his buddies shouldn’t be allowed to have that much fun. Local residents spoke out against the decision. “This is an outrage,” said Valencia man Ver E. Madd, who said he wished he could have a man cave in his home. “If only I had the space for such a great place. I’d never need to leave the house.” Stevenson Ranch man Nev Ergettingoverit said, “You’ve heard of homes with sewing rooms, and you’ve heard of homes with gardening sheds, but when have you ever heard of a home with an actual man cave? The incongruity of it is amazing.” Another local, Ang Ryman, was so upset with the ruling he couldn’t speak when it came time to voice his opinion on the matter. But his brother Hung said he would’ve enjoyed snacking on the man cave’s 10-year supply of jerky and beer nuts. The man cave plans included a full bar, a pool table, three flat screen TVs with full cable, a beat-up couch the Salvation Army wouldn’t even take, a juke box programmed to reject music by Sarah McLachlan, Brittany Spears, the Indigo Girls and other similar artists if anyone attempted to put such music in, a humidor stocked with the finest Cuban cigars, and live “men’s” entertainment every Friday and Saturday night. The site for the proposed man cave will instead be turned into a playroom for the kids. Wives were not contacted to comment for this story.
FOR THE RECORD
My father-in-law had nothing to do with the rip in my son’s stuffed bear as indicated in a story I wrote on Feb. 21 of this year. My father-in-law’s only involvement in the incident was the stitching he gave the bear when my son found out his favorite stuffed animal got hurt. Evidently, readers want the truth. For the record: Everything else I write is completely accurate.
-September 2009
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