Daddy Man vs. 6-Year-Old

In 6-Year-Old’s bedroom.
DADDY MAN (DM): If you move, I’ll know. If you make a peep, I’ll know. If you blink . . . I’ll know.

6-YEAR-OLD (6-Y-O): How’ll you know if I blink if you can’t see me?

DM: Because I’m Daddy Man. Daddy Man doesn’t rest. Ever. Daddy Man knows. Watch, I’ll step out and step back in when you blink.

Daddy Man steps out.
Daddy Man steps back in.
DM: You blinked.

6-Y-O: Whoa, how’d you know?

DM: I told you, I’m Daddy Man. Daddy Man always knows. So no playing; no getting off the bed; no fooling around. You sit there. I’ll get you when your timeout is over.

6-Y-O: OK . . . Wait. Daddy? If I’m good in my timeout, can I get out early?

DM: No. But you can be good.

6-Y-O: OK . . . Wait. Daddy? Can I lay down on my bed and think about my bad behavior?

DM: No. You’re in timeout -- no lying down, no playing, no more talking, You sit there. I’ll get you when your timeout is over.

Daddy Man steps out.
Daddy Man steps back in.
DM: What was that noise?

6-Y-O: What noise?

DM: What do you mean, “What noise?” I just heard a noise. What was it?

6-Y-O: So you can’t see me?

DM: I told you, I’m Daddy Man, and Daddy Man doesn’t rest. Of course I can see you. I just wanna see if you’re gonna lie to me. Now what was that noise?

6-Y-O: I went into my toy box.

DM: Is that you’re final answer? Daddy Man always knows. If you’re lying, you better say now.

6-Y-O: That’s all I did, Daddy Man, I swear.

DM: No more going into your toy box. And no noise.

6-Y-O: What if I cough?

DM: It better be a real cough.

6-Y-O: How’ll you know if it’s not a real cough?

DM: You’ll know because you’ll be in another real timeout. Now quiet. I’ll get you when your timeout is over.

Daddy Man steps out.
6-Y-O: Daddy?

Daddy Man steps back in.
6-Y-O: I have to go potty.

DM: Hurry.

The 6-Year-Old steps out.
DM: What’s that noise?

The 6-Year-Old steps back in.
DM: What were you doing in there?

6-Y-O: I was cleaning the bathroom for you.

DM: I don’t want you to clean the bathroom for me. This is why you’re in trouble -- you don’t listen. Now listen: sit down, don’t move, don’t talk, don’t make noise. I’ll get you when your timeout is over.

Mommy steps in.
MOMMY: I thought you were working on your column.

DM: I’m trying to work on my column.

MOMMY: Well, I’m doing all the bills.

DM: Well, I’m not playing.

MOMMY: But I’m doing all the bills and you still have to work on your column. That means I have to do all the bills.

DM: I can’t even work on my column. I can’t even have peace and quiet. Ever. Daddy Man doesn’t rest.

6-Y-O: You can’t lie, Daddy. She’s Mommy Woman. She always knows, too.

DM: Fine. Daddy Man will take a timeout. Daddy Man will rest. Nobody get me until my timeout is over.

Daddy Man goes to his room.


-January 2010